Let’s get one thing straight: the only people demanding a return to the office are executives who still think “synergy” happens in fluorescent-lit conference rooms and that “collaboration” requires smelling someone’s tuna sandwich from three desks away. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
Forcing employees back to offices isn’t about productivity or culture. It’s about power. And companies clinging to this delusion are about to get left in the dust by those smart enough to embrace reality.
The Great Migration (And Why Bosses Hate It)
Remember 2020? People fled cities like rats abandoning a sinking cruise ship. They bought houses in regional areas away from the city, converted vans into mobile offices, and finally had space to breathe without paying $3,000 a month for a shoebox apartment. Now companies are demanding they return, or else.
But here’s the thing: these workers can’t return. They sold their homes. They enrolled their kids in rural schools. They built lives. But sure, let’s pretend a 25-year-old middle manager in a polyester blazer knows better. Want to lose talent overnight? Threaten remote workers with termination unless they uproot their lives again. Watch them quit—and take their institutional knowledge to your competitor.
Mothers Are Getting Screwed (Again)
Let’s talk about who RTO mandates hurt most: working mothers. During the pandemic, remote work finally gave women a fighting chance to balance careers and childcare. Now companies are yanking that lifeline away. Want to know why female workforce participation is still a dumpster fire? Look no further.
Daycares close at 5/6 PM. School pickup is at 3. Commutes eat on average 2 hours a day. But sure, let’s force mothers back to offices so they can perform the daily circus act of juggling Zoom calls while sprinting to after-school programs. Companies love to plaster “We Support Women!” on International Women’s Day, but their RTO policies scream, “Get back to your desk or get out.”
The Real Reason Executives Want You Back
Let’s stop pretending this is about innovation. The average Fortune 500 CEO is 58 years old, grew up in an era of fax machines and three-martini lunches, and still thinks LinkedIn is cutting-edge tech. These people aren’t visionaries, they’re landlords. They’ve got millions tied up in downtown office real estate, and they’re desperate to justify those empty glass towers.
Meanwhile, their younger competitors are laughing all the way to the bank. Startups and forward-thinking companies are scooping up top talent by offering full remote work. They’re not paying for pricey office leases. They’re not wasting time on commutes. They’re just… thriving. But by all means, keep forcing your employees to endure rush-hour traffic so you can stare at your half-empty office and feel important.
The Productivity Lie (And Other Fairytales)
CEOs love to whine that remote workers are “slacking off.” Meanwhile, studies show remote employees work longer hours, take fewer sick days, and are less likely to quit. But sure, let’s pretend Karen from HR peering over your shoulder boosts productivity.
Here’s the truth: executives don’t trust employees because they can’t measure output—only presence. They’d rather see you warming a chair than admit they have no idea how to quantify real work. And while they’re busy micromanaging, remote-first companies are eating their lunch. The irony? Those “unproductive” remote workers are probably finishing their tasks in 4 hours and spending the rest of the day gardening. Efficiency, baby.
If you were to quantify in-office productivity, you’d find between coffee breaks, meetings, and office gossip, employees are probably only getting 4 hours of actual work done. Many of us who have worked in an office before (especially in a creative industry) will attest people just put on noise-cancelling headphones and are essentially working remotely, just in a different room.
I remember working in an office, the “higher ups” would come around and ask “how are you guys doing?” and everyone would say “oh we’re doing great, we’re so productive” and then they’d leave and everyone would tab back into YouTube and start watching videos, or goofing off on Slack sending memes and gifs to each other.
You know what else ruins productivity? Sickness. I’ve worked in an office where 5+ people would be out sick for a week and the remaining would be expected to do their work. There would always be that one person who would come into work sick like it was a badge of honour and then spread it to everyone else.
If you have ever worked in an office where people have children, they bring everything home from school, then the parents would bring those school sicknesses into the office.
The Quiet Revolt
Employees aren’t dumb. They see the writing on the wall. For every company clinging to RTO, there are a handful of others offering remote options. Workers are rebelling—ghosting inflexible employers, taking pay cuts for flexibility, or just phoning it in from their cubicles.
And let’s talk about the “loyalty” myth. Gen Z would rather sell their kidneys on the black market than commit to a company that treats them like children. Millennials are too busy side-hustling to care. The best talent isn’t begging for your office perks, they’re building careers on their terms.
The Bottom Line
Companies forcing RTO aren’t just out of touch, they’re on life support. Remote work isn’t a trend. It’s a reckoning. It’s workers finally demanding respect, balance, and autonomy. And the dinosaurs insisting on office mandates? They’ll be the ones wondering why their “rockstar teams” vanished overnight.
So to every CEO still hosting all-hands meetings about “the magic of in-person collaboration”: enjoy your empty office. The rest of us will be over here working efficiently, raising our kids, and refusing to pretend your sad little pizza parties are a substitute for actual human dignity.